Where Do We Go From Here?
by ColorOfAngels
Summary: One Shot written before release of HBP...Hermione's having a bad day, can Ron possibly be the one to fix it?


A/N Hey guy out there...I know that it has been a long time since I have updated but I swear I have a reason...Im so sorry but my computor has completely died...Im actually on my roommates computor right now...Unfortunately that means that all of my future chapters of my chapter fics are gone...Im hoping that I can get a file extraction and save at least some of it but that along with my killer sechedual and stuff means that I have no idea when the next chapters of either story will be up...Im so sorry for the delay, but I promise that I am not abandoning either of those stories...so please be patient and thanks for all the great reviews on both my stories, i just havent been able to answer them since my roommate has already let me monopolize so much time on it for school work...

So thanks again and I am so sorry for the delay...the only reason I have this Fic is because I sent it to my beta before the melt down so I had it when she sent it back...This story is definitly different from my normal stuff so I sincerly hope that you enjoy...also this story has been kicking aroud in my mind since before HBP and I just now got around to writting it down so it is AU in that sense...

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"Did that conversation really just happen?" Hermione asked aloud to no one but the wind that was rustling through the leaves of the tree she was standing under, and the chirping bird within it.

But Hermione couldn't hear the birds' song, and she couldn't feel the wind playing with her hair. She was numb, and completely oblivious to the world around her. Her heart broke as she watched Ron through watering eyes, walk away from her. She continued to stare blankly, watching him clumsily kick a clod of dirt and continue on his way up to the castle.

"How did this happen?" She asked. "How did this start?"

She closed her eyes and began reviewing the afternoon in her mind, almost as if she were watching a movie, as she tried to figure out where all of this had gone so wrong and where she should go from here.

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Hermione was having a bad day. She had those sometimes, just like everyone did, but lately they had been becoming more frequent. Nothing bad in particular had happened to her. She hadn't seen Malfoy all day, and she did well on her Ancient Runes paper, but she was still feeling down. It was just one of those days when life didn't really seem worth living. It was one of those days when you couldn't see the point to a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, or even a lifetime.

This wasn't the Hermione that the world knew. The Hermione the world saw everyday was confident, happy, sometimes bossy, but always had a smile for you if you needed one. She was always the strong one; she was the one with all the answers, the one you went to for stability and advice, the shoulder to lean on.

On the outside, she had everything: the friends, the smarts, the grades, the titles, the talent. Everyone liked her; she didn't have an enemy in the world, except for the Slytherins and the Death Eaters, but they were everyone's enemies, so they didn't count. But on the inside she was lonely, and she felt so terribly and utterly alone. She didn't understand why she felt this way, all knew was that she did. For the first time since she could remember, she couldn't figure it out, and it scared her. For all she knew, she was going crazy.

As she laid abjectly on her bed while everyone else was at lunch on a Sunday afternoon she didn't know what to do with herself, so she decided to go on a walk. She didn't know where she was going to go, all she knew was that she had to walk.

She ended up on the far side of the lake without really knowing how she got there. Her feet were simply moving out of their own accord but, it felt more like she was floating than walking. She walked over to a log and sat down, her heavy heart seemingly weighing her down. She kicked off her shoes and buried her feet in the sand. As she wiggled her toes she could see the blue and silver nail polish that Ginny had painted on her toes in the pattern of a French manicure. 'Only you,' she had laughed when the red head had finished, but secretly she really liked it.

She was deep in the recesses of her mind when she felt someone put their arms around her and gave her a big bear hug from behind. She nearly jumped out of her skin; she was so involved in her own thoughts that she didn't even hear anyone come up behind her. Frightened, she looked up and was relieved to meet the ice blue eyes of one of her best friends and ex-boyfriend Ron.

"Hey Mione, what's wrong?" Ron asked her. "I was coming back to the tower after lunch and you walked right past me without even noticing, and you had that 'something is wrong' walk."

"Nothing," Hermione replied, shaking her head briskly.

"Come on…I know something is wrong," he insisted.

They had only gone out for two months at the end of sixth year, breaking up four months ago when summer started, but their friendship hadn't suffered at all. Really, they were closer friends after the ordeal when they realized that they were truly just meant to be friends. The relationship had been disastrous and was acknowledged as so by everyone involved, but their friendship had come out stronger in the end. It was a running joke that if they had gotten along as well while dating as they did after they broke up, they would have gotten married.

"Really, it's nothing," she told him again.

"I don't believe you," he said simply as he walked around and sat in front of her in the sand. His hand found its way to her foot and he was playing with the anklet strung around her ankle.

"Honestly, there is nothing wrong," she said with as much sincerity as she could muster, which wasn't much at all.

"Come on, you know that you can tell me anything," Ron told her with one of those looks that made you believe that he was looking straight into your soul.

"I guess the problem is, is that I don't know what the problem is myself. I don't know why I feel so lost and I can't figure out what is wrong with me. Why am I so unsure of myself? This isn't me!"

"I know that."

"Then what is wrong with me?"

"Nothing is wrong with you, you're just a teenager that's all. We all feel that way sometimes, especially with everything that is going on right now," Ron told her calmly, referring to the impending war that was so close to home.

Perhaps to an outsider Hermione's problems and worries wouldn't have made sense, but Ron knew exactly what she was talking about.

"No, but I'm supposed to be the level-headed one…" she insisted. "I'm the one in control, people come to me for help, I never need the help."

"Hermione, we all need help sometimes."

"BUT I DON'T!" she exclaimed, standing up and storming away and climbing a nearby tree. She felt silly for not being able to control her emotions. She felt weak.

Ron turned to see her perched on one of the lower branches of the ancient tree. He stood and followed her over and began to climb too. "Just tell me what is bothering you so I can help."

"I already told you that I don't know what's wrong with me! That's the problem." Hermione paused for a second, maybe she knew one thing that was upsetting her, but it was dumb, "This is going to sound really stupid but…"

"But what?"

"But what I want, I don't think you can help me with."

"Why not?"

"Because…I don't know…it sounds stupid even to say."

"Come on," Ron pleaded, "I won't laugh, I promise."

"I want…I want….Jeez, I can't even get myself to say it," Hermione said throwing her hands up in frustration.

"What? Pleeeze…." Ron begged, giving her a big cheesy smile.

"It's just that I have never said it out loud and I feel like if I do it will sound even sillier and less significant than it does in my head and it will prove to me just how stupid I am being."

"Come on, tell me! You know you want to," Ron persuaded.

"I just feel that if I could have this one thing, then maybe just for a little while, just maybe everything would be okay, and nothing else would matter. That if I could just have this, then I could be happy, and I would feel so alone." She turned around so that she wouldn't have to look him in the eyes.

"So what is it that you want? You know you can tell me anything."

"I know," she said quietly as she leaned back and placed her head against his chest. She could hear the strong steady beat of his heart and he began to run his fingers through her hair.

"So," he urged softly, "what is it that you want?"

Hermione was silent for a moment before she slowly turned around at looked at Ron. This time it was her turn to stare into his soul. "I want to love someone so much that when I am with that person, the whole world could disappear and I wouldn't even care," once she started, the emotion just flooded out of her before she had a time to think or take it back. "I want someone to love me so much, that they would do anything for me. I want someone to lie in a hammock with and look at the stars and just be with that person and feel safe and not have a care in the world. I want to be with someone and not have to worry that they might be killed by Death Eaters. I want to love and be loved in return. I want…" Hermione suddenly stopped short as she realized what she was saying, "I can't believe I just told you all that…I'm so stupid."

Hermione jumped out of the tree and started to walk away.

"No, no, no, I think that's cute," Ron called after her, scrambling to get out of the tree.

"Cute!" she looked at him with one eyebrow raised as she plopped down under the tree pulling her knees to her chest and putting her hands over her head. "I pour my heart out to you and you think it's cute!"

"Well no…yes…I don't know, maybe?" Ron paused, watching her anxiously. "Hermione, I want to know if you want to try again."

"Try what again," she asked not looking up.

"Try i us /i again," he explained.

Hermione's head snapped up in surprise. This was not what she meant when she told him all of that. "What? Why would this time be any different than last time? Do you even know what the problems were? Honestly, do you even know why I was so unhappy?"

"Well no, but I really tried though."

Hermione stood up, "Did you even know that I was unhappy until I practically ignored you for two weeks?"

Ron shifted back and forth from one foot to the other, "Yes."

"Then why didn't you do anything!" Hermione yelled in frustration. "I came to you wanting to talk it out, telling you exactly what was wrong and you know what you told me? You told me that you 'didn't want to get into it!'"

"Oh…really?" Ron said simply, looking at his shoes.

"Really," she told him. "Don't you remember?"

"Yeah," he admitted. "But I'm really sorry. Can't we just start over?"

"Can you really just start over?" she asked picking up his face so that he was looking into her eyes. "Can you really?"

"Why not?" He countered.

"How, is it even possible?"

"Just forget the past and try again," he let his face drop to the ground once more and began pushing the dirt around with his shoe.

"I don't think it is that simple Ron. You really hurt me, how do you just forget that?"

"And I'm really sorry and I don't know. I mean I can't promise that I will never hurt you again, but I will try my hardest not to," Ron told her starting to look desperate.

"I care about you so much Ron, but you're breaking my heart," Hermione told him honestly.

"I don't mean to," he said sadly.

"I know," she responded quietly.

"Then tell me what I did wrong and I'll stop just for you. I promise, just give me another chance. I'll do whatever you ask. I'll go out and get a hammock and I don't even know what a hammock it but I'll find one if it will make you happy. Hermione, I would give you the world if I could!"

"Oh Ron," Hermione said stroking the side of his face with the back of her hand. "I mean I love you as a friend, I really do."

"It's okay, I understand," he said turning away.

"But I just don't think I could do it at this point in my life. I mean between NEWTs and all my other work and my Head Girl duties and helping Harry train and I have to….I have to…" she trailed off searching for other excuses.

"Is that the only reason? That you don't have time?" Ron asked her.

"No… yes…I don't know?"

"Hermione."

"I really have no time, you know that. I have even less time than I did when we were going out, remember?" she asked, looking at him expectantly.

"I remember having a beautiful girlfriend and being in love," he told her with the most earnest look on his face that she had ever seen.

Sirens exploded in Hermione's mind. LOVE! What! Did he just say that he loved me? Nobody ever mentioned love before. "Did you really love me?" she finally managed to spit out. "Did you really or did you just think you did?"

"Yes I did, and I still do. I don't know much about love, but from what I do know, I know I am," Ron answered completely serious, looking directly into her eyes.

Hermione forced herself to look away as she felt like if he looked at her a moment longer, he would have burned a hole right through her head. "I wish I had a different answer for you, I really do…" her voice trailed off as she struggled to hold back tears.

"Well, what's your answer?" he asked with false hope.

"You know my answer…I couldn't do that to you."

"It's okay," Ron told her, the disappointment obvious in his voice.

"But it would just be worse if I led you on," she said more for her benefit than his.

"I understand…I understand."

"I feel like the worst person in the world," she said, once again more for herself.

"You're not, I shouldn't have told you. I knew it and I'm sorry," Ron said looking uncomfortable.

"No, it's okay. I'm glad I know. I really am, honestly," she reassured him, desperately trying to be convincing.

"Well, I had better go, I told Harry I would meet him at the library," he muttered, his words strained and hard to make out.

Hermione knew this was a lie but didn't say anything, in fact she couldn't say anything at all because when she tried to say goodbye she couldn't force the words out. Instead her heart wrenched as she saw him walk away. She watched him go until her eyes were so filled with tears that she could no longer see anything.

She couldn't understand herself, he had just offered her everything that she had just said she wanted and dreamed of and she threw it all away. She stood there wallowing in self doubt. Maybe it was possible just to forgive and forget. She wanted to chase after him and tell him that it was all a big mistake but she felt as if she were carved in stone. And so she stood there, with tears steaming down her face, staring numbly into oblivion.

Meanwhile, the birds still chirped, the wind still rustled through the leaves, and she still didn't know where to go from here.

_Where do we go from here  
__Why is the path unclear  
__Understand we go hand in hand  
__But we walk alone in fear  
__Where do we go from here_

-from Once More With Feeling

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A/N So what did you think…please review and let me know while I do my best to get you more of what youre waiting for!

B/N: Isn't that one of the most beautiful, yet sad pieces you have ever read? I think Color's outdone herself, don't you?


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